Healing

This might sting, it might hurt

But I learn from each tear that falls

All the pain I keep inside

will get better in time

I might stumble, I might fall

But I will get up in the end

I will brush this off and move along

This is not the end, He is there to lift me up.

Hunger to Serve

Haven't had anything to write about in a while. Now it feels like my thoughts are starting to get cramped and overcrowded inside my own head. There have been a lot of things happen since I last updated here, best of which is the meeting of a certain boy. Now, I'm not going to turn this into your typical boy-crazed teenage blog(mainly because I'm not a boy-crazed teenage girl) but, I just want to say I can't image that I could be lucky enough to have someone like him in my life. Okay that's all.

So last week was the second Proyecto America trip since I learned about the organization. This time they went to Paraguay to minister to the people there. I would have loved to have been there, but I completely understand why God kept me in the states for this one. There are a few medical issues with multiple family members that all kinda piled up last week. I am proud of all that did take time to go over and serve and happy that things went well...from what I understand at least. Hopefully I will have an opportunity to serve on the next trip and be part of something bigger than myself again, I can't believe how much of my heart still desires to be out in the world serving the lost and broken people.

Nothing is Impossible

Think about your dreams, goals, aspirations. What did you want to be as a child? A fireman, a doctor, a princess? Now think about why those dream may not have come true as you've grown up. Is it because you decided to be something different? Is it because you were told couldn't become what you dreamed? Why do we change our childhood dreams as we grow? Sometimes it's because we just decide to be something different; other times we are told that what we want isn't possible, but who's to tell us what we can or can't be.

The only person to ever have a say in what we are to become should be God. He is the master of the universe and knows exactly who we are supposed to be. Any time someone tells you you can't be something, why should we listen unless we know they are speaking from God. Everything he designed(which is absolutely everything btw) has a specific plan and purpose. If we are listening to him and follow where he wants us to go then we can be anything and do anything. Nothing is impossible through Him.

I take a step back and look at my life.

To try and see if there is a defined line.

Some point in time where I can see exactly when things changed

It feels like looking back on the life of a stranger

I don't seem to recognize my own past

The faith I have in You makes my heart sing

The doubt I have in me makes me wonder how I've made it

Lord I need You to carry me every step

I want to keep being reminded, in whatever way nesseccary, that You are there to help me and You do carry me through the difficulties in life.

"trust in the Lord with all hear; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do and He will direct your paths." - Prov 3:5-6

Sunlight

Sitting under the warm rays of light, feeling them heat my skin, I start to wonder how things were in times long ago. A time when life was much simpler and people didn't get bogged down or swept away in the busy everyday dealings of life. As I relax I fade into a time that seems like it never existed and bask in the glory of how everything in life is calm, even when there are more things to do in a day than hours to do them in.

I close my eyes and pictures start to fill my mind, women are walking down the street in magnificent dresses and hats, men are standing around talking business and looking very serious, though they aren't at all. Of course, the women know this and enjoy a joke or two among themselves about it. There are horses and buggies all around the town, some loaded for long trips others being unloaded. The items either being sold or taken into hotels for their owners. The locals here have always been open to visitors, welcoming them in as though they were members of the town all along. It's the exact kind of place you would want yourself to get lost in if ever that happened to you.

One of the buggies being unloaded was for a couple that had decided to move to town. It was one of those decisions that aren't planned, they just happen. So they packed up and moved, without having any place of their own to live before they got there. Untill they could find a place they would be staying in the towns hotel.

Cancer

Over the past couple months my Papa(mom's dad) has been diagnosed with liver cancer, had surgery to remove the tumor, put through multiple tests and diagnosed with lung cancer.

He does not drink or smoke, so these are not catalysts for his cancer, they don't have answers to why he has cancer and is still being subjected to more testing. Just last week he had yet another CT scan to check for more spots on his lungs(there are two, that I know of) currently.

I don't know who reads this, but I ask that any of you that do, please pray for him and the rest of my family.

Hebrews 11

Hebrews 11:
1-2: "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. God gave His approval to people in days of old because of their faith."

There was a bible study DVD series I went through at a time call Truth Project, it asked the very same question as the beginning of verse one. Faith is not something we always think about. It's as everyday as the sunrise or routine as a working car. Things like these we never wonder if they will be there the next time it's expected. We won't ever wonder if a car is going to crank when we turn the key if we have kept it maintained properly.
The same idea holds true for our faith in God. With proper, daily maintenance through prayer and reading the bible our faith in God will become just as basic to our lives as the working car, or the sunrise. It's just something we will have and automatically rely on when we need help.
By having faith in God we are trusting Him to provide for us everything we will need. Even when we can't see His provision.

So we went over the first six verses of this chapter last night in the bible study and it was so intriguing to read and hear what everyone there had to say. This was just a little of what i got from the verses and from what everyone said.

Torn

I can't think straight anymore. I'm being torn in so many different directions these days it seems and what's the first thing that comes on when I open my iTunes and click play? This:

"It seems it's always the crazy times
You find you wake up and realize
It takes more than your sailing eyes
to make things right"
~Crazy Times: Jars of Clay

Part of me wants to stay exactly where I am, part wants more than ANYTHING to go to Paraguay in September, part wants to move north to the mountains to get away from everything here. I feel like if I could just escape things here it would make everything easier, at least for a time.

I know I can do anything through Christ no matter where I am. I just feel like a change of scenery would be helpful. The biggest problem is I can't afford to live on my own here, how am I going to in another state? No one seems to want to give me a chance at a decent job that would actually allow me to take care of myself and it's getting so frustrating to keep hitting these walls. I've been praying for a while now that I find something new, something I enjoy. If I enjoy the job I don't need to make more money. I just want to like going to work every day.

I wish I could afford to go to school so that I could get through film school and have a good career field to go into. I just have no money for school.

Then there's the matter of church, I can't seem to find a place that I feel like I am welcome for long, there are still a few people at my church that still seem to like seeing me. I just can't handle the drama that has unfolded with a few of the people. I used to absolutely love getting up Sunday mornings and going to church, seeing my friends, worshiping and studying God's word. Now it seems like everyone that I enjoyed seeing there has run off to other states, other churches or have just been really busy with work since Haiti. I left and everything was great, when I got back things fell apart. I have also been feeling like I need to find a group of people my age again to get involved with. I don't have a problem with the age of most of my friends, but sometimes it's nice to have people my age that just want to goof off and be random.

My life certainly has gotten crazy and I need it to slow down before I go crazy from it.

Warmth

I feel Your love always surrounding me

Warming my face in the glow I see

Such a feeling I have never known

Truer love could never be shown

I could never find one more faithful

I want to stay in this place

Always feel Your warm embrace

I dream of the day

When I don't have to say

I need You close to me

As I grow I start to learn

Ever thing in life can burn

The only thing real and true

Is the love that comes from You

This is a love that can never die

My Big Mouth

I have a way of saying too much somethimes and messing things up. Friendships, relationships whatever. I want answers and sometimes I let that take over and I get carried away.

Do I regret it? Every time.

Does it stop me? Never.

I wish I could and would learn that maybe I don't always need to know the answers. That maybe sometimes just being okay with what and where things are is good enough. Thing is, I feel like if I don't get the answers it will be worse than if I did. When in reality getting the answers makes things worse. I almost ruined a 10yr friendship, lost a relationship and possibly just pushed away a new friend. I pray that I can be okay with what I have and that I stop pushing for answers when they aren't needed. I want to be okay with things as they are and not push people to say what they don't want to or aren't sure of.

Day 5: Haiti

Our day started early as usual. It is so amazing how easy it is to wake up when I'm here, at home I have to set multiple alarms before I get up.
So, after everyone got up, ate and got ready for the day we headed off to yet another village to set up. I offered to help the medical team since I had been there through most of the sorting process yesterday and knew which bags everything was in. Even though I might not know what everything was, it was still easier to have someone that helped organize and at least knew what the boxes and all looked like. It was a bit rough at first but then we got a system going to things went pretty well for a while.
Then a few hours in I started getting a migraine, so I moved to a corner and tried to cool down. Charlie gave me half of a perkaset(sp?) to try and get rid of it, but it didn't help. Sandy had a small hand-held fan that she let me use and gave me a wet paper towel to put on my neck. That did help a bit, mainly the wind from the fan. The pain wasn't easing though so Justin told me to use one of the hydration packs we had in the bags of meds(worse than drinking salt water.) Still didn't help.
So a group of people were going back to camp by that point and I left with them, hoping I could take a nap or something when I got back to camp. The perkaset was kind of making me tired but not nearly enough that I could fall asleep, plus the heat from it being the middle of the day didn't help too much. I just rested in my tent for a while trying to stay cool with the fan we had in there. Once I got up and went back out to everyone they were checking on me seeing if they could do anything. Then Maiko gave me a massage and got some ice to put on my neck and back, that was probably the best relief I got the whole day.
It was so humbling to be taken care so well by everyone. To see how much they care, even for someone they only knew for a few days at this point.

Day 4: Haiti

Today was a bittersweet day, Lauren and Katie went back to the states this morning. I'm going to miss them both. Lauren and I became friends pretty quick and I wish she could have stayed the rest of the week. I won't have anyone to laugh with when everyone is speaking Spanish and I don't understand any of it now. I am very blessed to have met them and I pray that when they get home their lives will shine even brighter for You.
I'm excited to see what You have in store for those of us who are still here. These people are so amazing, there is no way I could have asked for a better group to work with here! I knew I would be blessed on this trip but I have no idea so much of that would come from the team I work with, just one more way You chose to show Your amazing love and grace, for that I am eternally grateful. Living and working with them even in just these few short days so far, I have sen more of the way we as Christians are supposed to love and care for one another and those around us. How a true Christian community is supposed to feel. That is something I will never forget and something I will always long for once my time here is over.

As far as the events of the day went, we spent most of the morning waiting and praying for a small team of people that went out to get medical supplies from the Dominican Republic. The day started out rough for them, it had rained the night before and the dirt roads were very muddy, they ended up getting stuck in a ditch for a while. Once they were able to get the truck back onto the road they headed to the border. While we waited at the camp for news a few of us spent some time washing clothes for us and some others in the camp that needed it. This was all done by hand of course and quite and experience. My arms were definitely sore afterwards.
Around noon we finally heard that the team was successful in getting the medical supplies we were needing and that they were on their way back. They returned with five bags of supplies, giant bags. We spent a few hours sorting and counting everything we had. Once it was mostly finished those of us who didn't have any medical knowledge to help anymore took a trip to a nearby village in the foothills of the mountains. We talked to the pastor of the village and took a tour of the area, as usual the children in the area gathered and started following us. Playing with us and just wanting to be with us. Most of them actually accompanied us back to the gates of the grounds we were staying on. It is always such a wonderful feeling to see the joy they have just to be around us, and also such a sad feeling to know we have to say goodbye.

Day 3: Haiti

We were supposed to be going back to City de Soliel again, however the government has decided to step in and won't allow us to return there. They don't like us helping because it makes them look bad to the people. What's really sad about that is that they know this and are the ones to point it out. If we truly believed we needed to work there and no where else we could go through a process and get authorization to do so, but that would probably come with limitation on what we'd be allowed to do for the people. It's better that we just move on and be thankful for the time we were able to spend there.

So instead of going back there we were invited by one of the boys from the school to go to his village. Since it was so close we walked there. To him it might not be that bad of a walk, but for us it felt like it took forever to get there! It was probably about three miles away from our camp and very hot. Once we got there though it was worth it. To be able to help the people and play with the kids. They did have more than most people in Haiti though so that was comforting. In fact we set up our work area at the school there. One thing about schools in Haiti, if you want to go you have to pay. There is no free education at all. So just from that you knew these people had more than anyone in City de Soliel had. We did our usual medical, lunch and ministry trifecta. We even had bottles and baby formula for women with small babies that need some for of proper nutrition.

The hardest part of the day came when we gave them the lunch part of our team spent half the morning making. They took the food, but some of them either threw it on the ground or at another kid. It was the hardest time I had keeping calm and showing God's love when they were mocking the work we were doing for them. It felt like they didn't care that we wanted to help, but it was also a good reminder that not every day is going to be easy. Sometimes we will face things that will test us and hopefully if you are fully relying on God we will prevail and be able to show Him through everything that goes on.

Then that night Rebekah, Lauren and I started talking together on the patio. We stayed there for a while just getting to know eachother and sharing things from our lives. Then it started to rain again so we went into mine and Rebekahs tent and contiued talking for quite a while. It was a very good, very sobering talk. We just got to know eachother and some of the so not happy parts of our backgrounds. It never did rain that night and I liked how Lauren put it at one point, God was telling us we needed to spend time together getting to know eachother. My prayer is that there is something in both of their stories and advice that I can learn from and for them from me as well.

Day 2: Haiti

So we wake up at 5:30am everyday, usually that seems very early to me and it's difficult to wake up. In Haiti though the sun starts to rise around 5am so by the time my alarm goes off it's already light and there are people moving around outside. So we got and dressed for our first days work. The typical routine was that about five people would make breakfast while the rest of us met for a quick meeting and then spent about 45 minutes in prayer; individually and in groups. After that we would eat and then everyone would joind for one more meeting where we were told where we would be working and what we'd be doing while there. Mainly that consisted of providing medical care and spending time with the people and children. The place we worked in that day is known as City de Soliel, most people won't go there because it's considered one of the most dangerous places in Port Au Prince. After the earthquake this is where most fugitives and lesser criminals fled to.

Once we got there immediately the kids started to gather around us wanting to play and talk to us. The majority of us spent most the day with them painting their faces and playing games with them. At first, they didn't understand what the face painting was so none of them wanted to do. Once we showed them and a couple decided to let us paint their faces all them wanted it! It was so funny, once they decided it wasn't bad they loved it and wanted us to paint their faces more than once!! It wasn't so much because of the paint though, they just wanted to the attention. They wanted us to pay attention to them and love them and care for them. Most the the kids lost one or both parents in the earthquake so affection wasn't something they knew too much of. They mostly just lived among the people there trying to survive however they could.

Around 12 the team that had been back at our camp preparing food for the people arrived with three giant cast iron pots of food. Once we got it all set up to serve we started plating and the people went crazy. They were all scrambling and pushing to get to the front so that they could get some of the food. We tried to make sure all the kids got food first, but it wasn't always easy. The hardest part was not having enough to feed everyone and having to tell people we were out of food. As soon as we were done serving the food we had to leave. The guys got the pots back to the truck and we all got into the van to head back to the camp.

The rest of the day was pretty relaxed, we got back and just spent time hanging out...until it rained at least. The rain always makes everyone scatter. This time, however, Lauren, Maiko, Egon and I stayed out in the rain. At first we tried to stay out of the actual rain but we didn't go into our tents...eventually we just decided to run around and play in the rain. It was so much fun! The best part was just getting to know these three people, goofing off and not caring about anything but having fun! It seems like I never get to be carefree like that anymore. It was nice to have that feeling again for a few hours, as well as form friendships with the three of them.

Day 1: Haiti

Rebekah and I woke up at 5ish to get ready and head to the airport. Our flight was scheduled to leave at 7:30am, we arrived at the airport around 6am. This was the first time I have ever flown so I just followed her though everything letting her go before me in most of the lines. After we made it through all the checks and scans we found our gate and sat down ready to wait. About 10 minutes later they called for us to board the plane. The flight was pretty short, if seemed to only take a few minutes from the time we took of to when we landed. It was nothing like a lot of people make flying sound like. Other than my ears popping it didn't phase me at all, the view from the window was so beautiful, even out over the ocean.

Our plane landed around 9:30am. Once we got off we had to get onto a bus and transported to the customs area. We almost had an issue with our immigration papers because we didn't have an exact address for the Double Harvest grounds we were going to be staying at. They didn't give us too much trouble though, they just didn't know what it was. There were about seven other people with Project America on our flight so once everyone made it through the airport and found their luggage we made our way through the crowds, with our driver, to the van that was waiting for us.

Around 11:30am we had gotten our tent set up and our stuff settled in for the week, had breakfast and a short meeting. We were waiting on more people to get there and to get a tire on our truck changed. Once they finished that we went to a city called City Soliel, known as the worst place in the world. It was where all the fugitives and criminals fled to when the jail crumbled after the earthquake. A lot of the people there now are actually decent people, there are still those that have the criminal background, but for the most part the people as a community have kicked them out. We went to visit the people and figure out how and where we would be setting up our stuff for the next day. We all went around the city meeting the people and playing with kids. It seemed like they would come out of no where! There were so many and they all wanted our attention!! It was the most humbling thing to experience!

The heat was definitely a problem the first day, not being used to it at all. We were only there for a few hours, but the heat gets to you quick. Once we left we stopped at a market on the way back to Double Harvest to get anything we may need or want over the next few days. It was pretty interesting, the store was small compared to the grocery store we have here and the food cost just as much. I think I got a soda and a roll of toilet paper(we had to have our own cause there wasn't any in the bathroom.)

Finally we were back at the camp for the night where we just hung out and fellowshiped. It rained around 6 or 7 that night so most of us retreated to our tents or covered area of some kind and didn't come out until dinner was ready. Then not too long after that we had a meeting and then went to bed.

Report On My Trip

This is going to be a very condensed account of my time in Haiti, but I need to write while I can.

Rebekah and I headed out for Ft. Lauderdale on Saturday where we spent the night at one of the girls apt who is from our church. Arrived there around 9pm found a gas station to get food from then crashed. Woke up at 5:30 Sunday morning, got everything together and headed to the airport. It didn't take long to get through all the security at all; then we boarded after waiting for only about 10 minutes. There was a group of about 9 of us on that flight. Once we arrived in Port Au Prince(PAP) we met our driver, Charles, and waited for the rest of the people to make it through the airport.

About 20-30 minutes later we were at the camp at Double Harvest being greeted by so many people we didn't know, but felt like we had known for years. The first hour there is a blur, so much was happening at once I couldn't take it all in. I am so grateful to have had Rebekah and Charlie there with me. After getting everything set up and settling in it was time for breakfast. The first day there was really relaxed, we didn't actually do any work. Around 10am we headed to a place called City Soliel where we would be working the next day and met the people, played with the children.

The next day when we went back and set up a tent to provide medical care, entertained the kids and finally provided as many of the people with lunch as we were able to. It was heartbreaking not being able to help every person there, but there are just so many living in the small area! After we gave them the food we had to leave because it got pretty intense when we started handing out the food. So we headed back to DH and just spent time getting to know eachother that afternoon. It rained that night as it did the night before and the next night, I thought it was going to be a daily pattern after the third night, lol.

So we found out that we wouldn't be going back to City Soliel because of political reasons, instead we spent the next day working in a nearby village. It was the same routine as the day before and this time we had bottles to feed babies formula with. Since it was close to DH we walked there and back that day, it was a long walk that's for sure. Totally worth it in the end though.

The next day we spent most of the morning waiting to find out if a group of our people were going to be able to get us some much needed medical supplies from the border, which we finally heard that they had managed to get them across without any problems. Once they got back we had 4 or 5 bags of supplies. We spent the next few hours going through and organizing everything we had.

Then the next few days were more of the same, going to communities that needed our help and doing what we could for them. Everyday was a different experience and an even bigger blessing. God is doing something amazing in Haiti and this group that I had the privilege of serving with is a definite part of that!

4 Days

4 days till I leave the coutnry for the first time. Untill I'm miles away from home in a foriegn land, in a culture I dont't know, around people I don't understand. I really don't think the full impact of it all will hit untill I'm there. Simply because I've never experienced anything like this before in my life. I'm going to have journal of my trip there for sure! Pray with me that this trip is what God wants it to be, not what I want to make it.

Hazy Blur

First off, I'm not sure if this will make any sense.
I am so tired and have lost so much sleep over the past week and a half. Not because I stay up doing anything, but because I wake five or six every night, sometimes freaking out for a sec thinking i missed my alarm for work. The reason for this crazy sudden occurance...I'm not sure. The only thing I can think might be causing it is that I'm going to a different country in a week and half now. Though I don't feel like I'm scared or anything that doesn't mean I'm not. it could be one of those things I can hide, even from myself, without realizing it. Then when I'm asleep it hits me hard. I've has a couple dreams about the trip...not scary, just random.
As far as I'm concerned I'm ready to go! I'm ready tpo help people in need and show them the love of God. I'm ready to finally be the hands and feet of God. Am I trying to say that doesn't freak me out at all? No, of course. Doing something new is always going to be a bit frightening. I just feel like it's not something that would be causing me to lose sleep. The only way to really know though is to see how I sleep when I get back.
I am meant to go on this trip. I wouldn't have had multiple people in one week give money so that I could go if that weren't true. I wouldn't have had an amazing friend offer to pay for my plan ticket when I said that I was definitly going to go. My passport wouldn't have come in 1 week, when it should have taken at least 3. All these things have been major blessings to me and very humbling as well. I just know I am meant to be in the country for those people. I WANT to be there to help them. I can't just sit here and watch as they die because no one wants to give them the things they need for basic survival.

The Time Has Come

My papa is finally having his surgery tomorrow. It's been a long wait but will soon be over. I want to know how everything goes, but, at the same time I dont because I won't think about it if I'm not updated and therefore I won't get stressed at work. I can just get through work and then call my mom when I get off. One of my biggest appreciations is that this is over with before I leave. I would HATE to be out of the country when he had surgery, even if everything turned out fine. I just want to be able to call and know that it's okay. I want to know that he's going to be able to recover well.
He's strong so I don't doubt that everything will be okay, there's just always that chance. After my mom's dad died during open heart surgery I know she's been thinking about that a lot and wondering if something similar will happen again. Granted technology is much improved from when she was 5yrs old, I know that won't keep her from worrying. I pray that she can have peace and strength to go through this. I'm thankful that her mom and sister are going to be there with her.

Answered Prayers

I've been praying about my trip to Haiti(honestly not as much as I should be though) and thoes prayers have deffinitley been being answered. It's so amazing to see God do this, for me, when I could never deserve it. I was starting to be concerned about money for the trip and if I was going to be able to afford it or not. Then out of no where four people gave me money to put towards it. I made an event on facebook asking for help, all but about three people that joined it I don't see regularly or never. Seeing everyone joined the event was very exciting for me though. Just to be able to see how many people want to support me in this.
Then there's the plane ticket. It started out at like $275 and now has gone up to somewhere over 300. The biggest blessing in this whole thing though is that my friend offered to pay for my ticket for me and then when I get back I am going to pay him back. At first I was unsure about it and I probably asked him like ten times if he was sure it was okay. Then I started to feel like I was annoying him so I just let it go and thanked him. If it wasn't for this offer there was no one I would never have been able to afford the trip.
I feel like the whole thing has been one small miracle after another. I am so thankful to everyone for everything and I can't wait to see what God wants of me in Haiti. It's got to be big with everything He's given me to help me make it there.

Light

"I am Your's do what You wish
I am Your I am Yours and I know this
Whatever happens next is in your hands
in you plans and nothing less
Everyday there is a choice and through the pain
throgh the joy I will rejoice."
Light by The Rocket Summer


So I was reading on my break today. More searching, looking for something that I could find comfort and strength in. Spent a good part of my time searching for that. Then at the last minute when I was almost out of time on my break I found the passage I was looking for. Joshua 1:7-9. Very direct, exactly what I needed. What I need. How can I not be strengthened when it's put so bluntly to be courageous?

The song above is my deepest prayer, because it will take this courage to truely mean what is said in those few lines. My trip is growing closer and closer everyday and I'm waiting for the moment I freak out and try to turn my back. The moment I find that it's too much for me. I don't want to be the weak human that I am, I want to be strong and to go into this with as much strength from You as I can. There is no possible way I could ever deserve to be going on this trip and I'm going to need You with me through every part of it! It's like I'm not realizing what's really going on, the magnitude of what I'm getting into. Maybe because I've never done anything like this before or maybe it's my mind protecting me so I won't freak out. Either way it seems surreal.

Then of course there's the empending surgery for my Papa. If I'm correct it's a week and a half away. My mom is under a lot of stress about that and I can tell she trying to protect me from it. I can hear her and my dad talking about it in the next room trying to be quiet. I don't hear details I just get the general idea of what they are saying. I wish she wouldn't keep it from me. I want to know, I need to know, how he's doing. I just wish I could afford to take off and be there with them when the surgery happens.

...On the Edge...

"But waiting on the edge of what I cannot see is worse..."Pippin Took-ROTK



So many things are happening right now. So many things that will have a permanent impact on my life. The biggest, being my trip to Haiti. I know I will be different when I get back from this trip, there's no doubt in my mind about that. I have felt the need to get out of the bounderies of this country, out of the safety and comfort I've grown up in and get my hands dirty for the Lord. Actually do some "field work" for Him. I said a while back about how felt restless and I don't feel that way anymore. Now that I have a plan...at least for the immediate future.



Other major things are 3 of my best friends are getting married! My best friend from high school is getting married May 1st! My current best friend is getting married in July and the third is getting married in August!(though I didn't say the last one! No one is supposed to know yet, lol! I figure it's safe here since no one knows who she is though :).) Im in the wedding parties for the last two and I could be happier for all of them! I've gotten to watch them all grow in their relationships with their soon-to-be husbands.

Diagnosis

Cancer:
After two and a half weeks of going back and forth, being put through test after test, they finally figure out that the mass on his liver is cancerous.

Prognosis:
They can't do anything right now because they are afraid of him bleeding into his stomach again. Which happened last week. They have to wait for that to heal before they can do any surgery. For now they are putting something in his liver to cut off the blood flow to that specific section and some surrounding effected tissue so that the tumor will shrink. In three weeks he will go back in and find out if his stomach has healed enough to go through the surgery to remove the tumor. If so, they will.

Untill then, they have also discovered a spot in one of his lungs that they are taking a look at. For now it doesn't seem to be anything major, but now that they have found cancer, they will be checking to make sure that it isn't cancerous as well.

ICU to AUB

The story starts exactly one week ago. I get a message from my mother asking me to call her as soon as I get a chance. Not a normal thing from her so, since I had litteraly just walked in to work, I asked if I could take a second to see what was going on. I called her had she tells me her father collapsed that morning. Her mom called 911 and he was taken by ambulance to the Dothan, AL hospital. They put him in ICU and told us that he had two flue viruses and a third infection that they couldn't identify. Two days later he's sent home and said to be okay. I get a message from my mom again saying he has been taken back to the hospital and turned out not to have any flu at all. Instead they think his illness has something to do with a spot they found on his liver. He has not left the hospital since then and is now going to be taken to AUB in the morning for basically exploratory surgery to try and figure what is going on with his liver.
Lord I need you SO much in all of this! I have no idea how my mom is handeling this internally, but I know she's not as strong as she is pretending to be. She has already lost one father as an early child and I don't know how well she'll hold together if she loses another one.

Comfort in Uncertainty

I found out that my Papa(my mom's step-dad) collapsed yesterday morning and was taken to the er by ambulance. My parents headed to AL to be with him and my Grannie to help however they could. A few hours after recieving that phone call I get an update that he has two different flu viruses and a third unknown infection. They put him in the ICU to keep him under close watch and started doing tests to try and figure out with this other infection was. I guess while running these tests they found a spot on his liver. Now, they are running even more tests and we have no new information. Just more questions. Wont find out about the spot till Thursday after they get the results back from thoes tests.

I feel like I should be scared out of my mind by all of this and yet I'm not. I'm not perfectly fine of course, but I can handle my day to day stuff. Mentally I'm okay and I can cope pretty well, physically my body is not handling the stress as well. I've felt like crap since I found out he was in the hospital yesterday. I know, no matter what happens in all of this, that God is there for all of us. He's definitly been holding onto me and keeping me safe. I know, because a year ago if this had happened I would be completely freaked out and worrying constantly about what his condition is. I would have told my boss Tuesday when I found out he was in the hospital that I was leaving, after being at work for 5mins, so that I could go to AL with my parents. I know He's protecting me because my friends have been around encouraging me and praying for me. I know because my mom has made it there are back home twice in the last two days. I can't pretend like He isn't watching over my family and I. I can't pretend I haven't felt His loving arms comforting me these past two days. I've never felt so protected by Him before, there is no way I'd make it through this without Him.