Torn

I can't think straight anymore. I'm being torn in so many different directions these days it seems and what's the first thing that comes on when I open my iTunes and click play? This:

"It seems it's always the crazy times
You find you wake up and realize
It takes more than your sailing eyes
to make things right"
~Crazy Times: Jars of Clay

Part of me wants to stay exactly where I am, part wants more than ANYTHING to go to Paraguay in September, part wants to move north to the mountains to get away from everything here. I feel like if I could just escape things here it would make everything easier, at least for a time.

I know I can do anything through Christ no matter where I am. I just feel like a change of scenery would be helpful. The biggest problem is I can't afford to live on my own here, how am I going to in another state? No one seems to want to give me a chance at a decent job that would actually allow me to take care of myself and it's getting so frustrating to keep hitting these walls. I've been praying for a while now that I find something new, something I enjoy. If I enjoy the job I don't need to make more money. I just want to like going to work every day.

I wish I could afford to go to school so that I could get through film school and have a good career field to go into. I just have no money for school.

Then there's the matter of church, I can't seem to find a place that I feel like I am welcome for long, there are still a few people at my church that still seem to like seeing me. I just can't handle the drama that has unfolded with a few of the people. I used to absolutely love getting up Sunday mornings and going to church, seeing my friends, worshiping and studying God's word. Now it seems like everyone that I enjoyed seeing there has run off to other states, other churches or have just been really busy with work since Haiti. I left and everything was great, when I got back things fell apart. I have also been feeling like I need to find a group of people my age again to get involved with. I don't have a problem with the age of most of my friends, but sometimes it's nice to have people my age that just want to goof off and be random.

My life certainly has gotten crazy and I need it to slow down before I go crazy from it.