Sunflowers and Roses

I reach for the handle, pull the door open and step inside. My eyes adjust as the lights display the scene before me. Not sure what's going on I freeze in the doorway. Slowly you approach and take my hand; leading me farther into the house. All around me I see roses and, my favorite, sunflowers. The table is set for two and lit only by three candles. You guide me to a chair, pull it out for me and seat me at one end of the small table. I watch you walk around to the opposite side and take a seat across from me. "What's going on?" I think to myself, still too stunned to actually speak.

Looking at you I see my favorite smile on your face, it's one of complete joy. You pick a bottle and a wine glass and start to pour the blood red contents into a glass then hand it to me. I take it and wait as you pour your own glass. You offer a toast, to our love, to our life, and to our future; then we drink. You start to serve me a dinner that looks like it took hours to prepare and once we both have our dinner before us we take a moment to bless the food and time we are sharing together.

We eat and talk about our days. Then as we finish you come over to me and offer your hand for me to accept. I reach out, trusting to follow you. We move outside and there is another table with candles and dessert on the balcony. I walk to the railing to look out at the stars; my favorite part of the night sky, and get lost in my thoughts for a moment. The night has been so perfect that I feel as though it's almost a dream. You speak my in barely more than a whisper, yet it startles me. Not expecting to hear someones voice so close to me as I'm lost in my own head, I turn to see you on your knee holding an open velvet covered box. Instantly my hands cover my mouth in shock and pure joy. You ask if I will be your bride and I shake my head, yes. Tears flowing from my eyes you stand to slide the silver band onto my left ring finger.

Fragile

Look at this heart, see how beautiful it is? See how fragile it is? It's the same for the heart of every person you meet. Each heart has a specific beat and radiance of it's own, though sometimes those might be hidden under years of trials that have left behind scars or hardened them to a point that seems almost irrepairable. Don't ever assume you can treat people as you please because you might take part in turning something as beautiful as this picture into something resembling coal.

Storybook

This is where the story ends

This is where we begin

To fall apart or stand strong

Take my hand and follow me

I'll show you all you need to be

So this world will not control you

It's not what you've become

You're just coming undone

This is where the story starts

With the breaking of our hearts

To show a love we could never afford

Don't Want to Say Goodbye

I don't wanna make the same mistake

Fall into the same routine

and fall out of love with you

I wanna hold on tight

Take this crazy ride called life

~~~

Take me by the hand and lets run

We gotta get away and free ourselves

Flying so high we touch the sky

Look me in the eyes as we never go back

~~~

I don't wanna know what it's like

not having you by my side

Thinking of losing you

is something I cannot do

I don't want to say goodbye

~~~

So take me by the hand and lets run

We gotta get away and free ourselves

Flying so high we touch the sky

Look me in the eyes and we never go back

Now Is Not Forever

In the words of B.Reith:

Now is not forever
All that's seen will fade away
These wars will end
There is an antidote
To heal your broken pain
There is a lifeline that hides
Insides the maker of your frame
He gave His life
Hold you head up high
You will get by
You will get by

Hold your head high
You will get by

So, every time I turn around I find one more person that I miss; and each time I realize I miss someone new my heart breaks that much more. I just got one of my friends back into my life and now he's gone off to join the Navy. It's killing me not being able to talk to him at all. I got used to talking to him multiple times a week and seeing him just as much. I pray that he's doing well and that I will hear something from him soon. Waiting has never been one of my strong points and having to sit around and be patient untill I get a letter(or even a phone call) is not something I am comfortable with. *sigh*

I'm trying to trust God to take care of him, of course that's always much easier said than done. Stupid human habits!

Love Letter

My Love,
Your smile, your eyes, your hugs, your laugh; the way you shine in every way. These are the things I love about you. How you calm my crazy mind with one look, one hug, one word. I fell in love and didn't know until now. I have watched you grow into a wonderful, strong man of God. I pray that one day I can tell you these things. I see you strength and long to know it; to have that same light you have to love the way you love. I pray I get to stand by your side the rest of my life and watch as you continue to grow, everyday, in Christ.

I love you, now and always.

Healing

This might sting, it might hurt

But I learn from each tear that falls

All the pain I keep inside

will get better in time

I might stumble, I might fall

But I will get up in the end

I will brush this off and move along

This is not the end, He is there to lift me up.

Hunger to Serve

Haven't had anything to write about in a while. Now it feels like my thoughts are starting to get cramped and overcrowded inside my own head. There have been a lot of things happen since I last updated here, best of which is the meeting of a certain boy. Now, I'm not going to turn this into your typical boy-crazed teenage blog(mainly because I'm not a boy-crazed teenage girl) but, I just want to say I can't image that I could be lucky enough to have someone like him in my life. Okay that's all.

So last week was the second Proyecto America trip since I learned about the organization. This time they went to Paraguay to minister to the people there. I would have loved to have been there, but I completely understand why God kept me in the states for this one. There are a few medical issues with multiple family members that all kinda piled up last week. I am proud of all that did take time to go over and serve and happy that things went well...from what I understand at least. Hopefully I will have an opportunity to serve on the next trip and be part of something bigger than myself again, I can't believe how much of my heart still desires to be out in the world serving the lost and broken people.

Nothing is Impossible

Think about your dreams, goals, aspirations. What did you want to be as a child? A fireman, a doctor, a princess? Now think about why those dream may not have come true as you've grown up. Is it because you decided to be something different? Is it because you were told couldn't become what you dreamed? Why do we change our childhood dreams as we grow? Sometimes it's because we just decide to be something different; other times we are told that what we want isn't possible, but who's to tell us what we can or can't be.

The only person to ever have a say in what we are to become should be God. He is the master of the universe and knows exactly who we are supposed to be. Any time someone tells you you can't be something, why should we listen unless we know they are speaking from God. Everything he designed(which is absolutely everything btw) has a specific plan and purpose. If we are listening to him and follow where he wants us to go then we can be anything and do anything. Nothing is impossible through Him.

I take a step back and look at my life.

To try and see if there is a defined line.

Some point in time where I can see exactly when things changed

It feels like looking back on the life of a stranger

I don't seem to recognize my own past

The faith I have in You makes my heart sing

The doubt I have in me makes me wonder how I've made it

Lord I need You to carry me every step

I want to keep being reminded, in whatever way nesseccary, that You are there to help me and You do carry me through the difficulties in life.

"trust in the Lord with all hear; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do and He will direct your paths." - Prov 3:5-6

Sunlight

Sitting under the warm rays of light, feeling them heat my skin, I start to wonder how things were in times long ago. A time when life was much simpler and people didn't get bogged down or swept away in the busy everyday dealings of life. As I relax I fade into a time that seems like it never existed and bask in the glory of how everything in life is calm, even when there are more things to do in a day than hours to do them in.

I close my eyes and pictures start to fill my mind, women are walking down the street in magnificent dresses and hats, men are standing around talking business and looking very serious, though they aren't at all. Of course, the women know this and enjoy a joke or two among themselves about it. There are horses and buggies all around the town, some loaded for long trips others being unloaded. The items either being sold or taken into hotels for their owners. The locals here have always been open to visitors, welcoming them in as though they were members of the town all along. It's the exact kind of place you would want yourself to get lost in if ever that happened to you.

One of the buggies being unloaded was for a couple that had decided to move to town. It was one of those decisions that aren't planned, they just happen. So they packed up and moved, without having any place of their own to live before they got there. Untill they could find a place they would be staying in the towns hotel.

Cancer

Over the past couple months my Papa(mom's dad) has been diagnosed with liver cancer, had surgery to remove the tumor, put through multiple tests and diagnosed with lung cancer.

He does not drink or smoke, so these are not catalysts for his cancer, they don't have answers to why he has cancer and is still being subjected to more testing. Just last week he had yet another CT scan to check for more spots on his lungs(there are two, that I know of) currently.

I don't know who reads this, but I ask that any of you that do, please pray for him and the rest of my family.

Hebrews 11

Hebrews 11:
1-2: "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. God gave His approval to people in days of old because of their faith."

There was a bible study DVD series I went through at a time call Truth Project, it asked the very same question as the beginning of verse one. Faith is not something we always think about. It's as everyday as the sunrise or routine as a working car. Things like these we never wonder if they will be there the next time it's expected. We won't ever wonder if a car is going to crank when we turn the key if we have kept it maintained properly.
The same idea holds true for our faith in God. With proper, daily maintenance through prayer and reading the bible our faith in God will become just as basic to our lives as the working car, or the sunrise. It's just something we will have and automatically rely on when we need help.
By having faith in God we are trusting Him to provide for us everything we will need. Even when we can't see His provision.

So we went over the first six verses of this chapter last night in the bible study and it was so intriguing to read and hear what everyone there had to say. This was just a little of what i got from the verses and from what everyone said.

Torn

I can't think straight anymore. I'm being torn in so many different directions these days it seems and what's the first thing that comes on when I open my iTunes and click play? This:

"It seems it's always the crazy times
You find you wake up and realize
It takes more than your sailing eyes
to make things right"
~Crazy Times: Jars of Clay

Part of me wants to stay exactly where I am, part wants more than ANYTHING to go to Paraguay in September, part wants to move north to the mountains to get away from everything here. I feel like if I could just escape things here it would make everything easier, at least for a time.

I know I can do anything through Christ no matter where I am. I just feel like a change of scenery would be helpful. The biggest problem is I can't afford to live on my own here, how am I going to in another state? No one seems to want to give me a chance at a decent job that would actually allow me to take care of myself and it's getting so frustrating to keep hitting these walls. I've been praying for a while now that I find something new, something I enjoy. If I enjoy the job I don't need to make more money. I just want to like going to work every day.

I wish I could afford to go to school so that I could get through film school and have a good career field to go into. I just have no money for school.

Then there's the matter of church, I can't seem to find a place that I feel like I am welcome for long, there are still a few people at my church that still seem to like seeing me. I just can't handle the drama that has unfolded with a few of the people. I used to absolutely love getting up Sunday mornings and going to church, seeing my friends, worshiping and studying God's word. Now it seems like everyone that I enjoyed seeing there has run off to other states, other churches or have just been really busy with work since Haiti. I left and everything was great, when I got back things fell apart. I have also been feeling like I need to find a group of people my age again to get involved with. I don't have a problem with the age of most of my friends, but sometimes it's nice to have people my age that just want to goof off and be random.

My life certainly has gotten crazy and I need it to slow down before I go crazy from it.

Warmth

I feel Your love always surrounding me

Warming my face in the glow I see

Such a feeling I have never known

Truer love could never be shown

I could never find one more faithful

I want to stay in this place

Always feel Your warm embrace

I dream of the day

When I don't have to say

I need You close to me

As I grow I start to learn

Ever thing in life can burn

The only thing real and true

Is the love that comes from You

This is a love that can never die

My Big Mouth

I have a way of saying too much somethimes and messing things up. Friendships, relationships whatever. I want answers and sometimes I let that take over and I get carried away.

Do I regret it? Every time.

Does it stop me? Never.

I wish I could and would learn that maybe I don't always need to know the answers. That maybe sometimes just being okay with what and where things are is good enough. Thing is, I feel like if I don't get the answers it will be worse than if I did. When in reality getting the answers makes things worse. I almost ruined a 10yr friendship, lost a relationship and possibly just pushed away a new friend. I pray that I can be okay with what I have and that I stop pushing for answers when they aren't needed. I want to be okay with things as they are and not push people to say what they don't want to or aren't sure of.

Day 5: Haiti

Our day started early as usual. It is so amazing how easy it is to wake up when I'm here, at home I have to set multiple alarms before I get up.
So, after everyone got up, ate and got ready for the day we headed off to yet another village to set up. I offered to help the medical team since I had been there through most of the sorting process yesterday and knew which bags everything was in. Even though I might not know what everything was, it was still easier to have someone that helped organize and at least knew what the boxes and all looked like. It was a bit rough at first but then we got a system going to things went pretty well for a while.
Then a few hours in I started getting a migraine, so I moved to a corner and tried to cool down. Charlie gave me half of a perkaset(sp?) to try and get rid of it, but it didn't help. Sandy had a small hand-held fan that she let me use and gave me a wet paper towel to put on my neck. That did help a bit, mainly the wind from the fan. The pain wasn't easing though so Justin told me to use one of the hydration packs we had in the bags of meds(worse than drinking salt water.) Still didn't help.
So a group of people were going back to camp by that point and I left with them, hoping I could take a nap or something when I got back to camp. The perkaset was kind of making me tired but not nearly enough that I could fall asleep, plus the heat from it being the middle of the day didn't help too much. I just rested in my tent for a while trying to stay cool with the fan we had in there. Once I got up and went back out to everyone they were checking on me seeing if they could do anything. Then Maiko gave me a massage and got some ice to put on my neck and back, that was probably the best relief I got the whole day.
It was so humbling to be taken care so well by everyone. To see how much they care, even for someone they only knew for a few days at this point.

Day 4: Haiti

Today was a bittersweet day, Lauren and Katie went back to the states this morning. I'm going to miss them both. Lauren and I became friends pretty quick and I wish she could have stayed the rest of the week. I won't have anyone to laugh with when everyone is speaking Spanish and I don't understand any of it now. I am very blessed to have met them and I pray that when they get home their lives will shine even brighter for You.
I'm excited to see what You have in store for those of us who are still here. These people are so amazing, there is no way I could have asked for a better group to work with here! I knew I would be blessed on this trip but I have no idea so much of that would come from the team I work with, just one more way You chose to show Your amazing love and grace, for that I am eternally grateful. Living and working with them even in just these few short days so far, I have sen more of the way we as Christians are supposed to love and care for one another and those around us. How a true Christian community is supposed to feel. That is something I will never forget and something I will always long for once my time here is over.

As far as the events of the day went, we spent most of the morning waiting and praying for a small team of people that went out to get medical supplies from the Dominican Republic. The day started out rough for them, it had rained the night before and the dirt roads were very muddy, they ended up getting stuck in a ditch for a while. Once they were able to get the truck back onto the road they headed to the border. While we waited at the camp for news a few of us spent some time washing clothes for us and some others in the camp that needed it. This was all done by hand of course and quite and experience. My arms were definitely sore afterwards.
Around noon we finally heard that the team was successful in getting the medical supplies we were needing and that they were on their way back. They returned with five bags of supplies, giant bags. We spent a few hours sorting and counting everything we had. Once it was mostly finished those of us who didn't have any medical knowledge to help anymore took a trip to a nearby village in the foothills of the mountains. We talked to the pastor of the village and took a tour of the area, as usual the children in the area gathered and started following us. Playing with us and just wanting to be with us. Most of them actually accompanied us back to the gates of the grounds we were staying on. It is always such a wonderful feeling to see the joy they have just to be around us, and also such a sad feeling to know we have to say goodbye.

Day 3: Haiti

We were supposed to be going back to City de Soliel again, however the government has decided to step in and won't allow us to return there. They don't like us helping because it makes them look bad to the people. What's really sad about that is that they know this and are the ones to point it out. If we truly believed we needed to work there and no where else we could go through a process and get authorization to do so, but that would probably come with limitation on what we'd be allowed to do for the people. It's better that we just move on and be thankful for the time we were able to spend there.

So instead of going back there we were invited by one of the boys from the school to go to his village. Since it was so close we walked there. To him it might not be that bad of a walk, but for us it felt like it took forever to get there! It was probably about three miles away from our camp and very hot. Once we got there though it was worth it. To be able to help the people and play with the kids. They did have more than most people in Haiti though so that was comforting. In fact we set up our work area at the school there. One thing about schools in Haiti, if you want to go you have to pay. There is no free education at all. So just from that you knew these people had more than anyone in City de Soliel had. We did our usual medical, lunch and ministry trifecta. We even had bottles and baby formula for women with small babies that need some for of proper nutrition.

The hardest part of the day came when we gave them the lunch part of our team spent half the morning making. They took the food, but some of them either threw it on the ground or at another kid. It was the hardest time I had keeping calm and showing God's love when they were mocking the work we were doing for them. It felt like they didn't care that we wanted to help, but it was also a good reminder that not every day is going to be easy. Sometimes we will face things that will test us and hopefully if you are fully relying on God we will prevail and be able to show Him through everything that goes on.

Then that night Rebekah, Lauren and I started talking together on the patio. We stayed there for a while just getting to know eachother and sharing things from our lives. Then it started to rain again so we went into mine and Rebekahs tent and contiued talking for quite a while. It was a very good, very sobering talk. We just got to know eachother and some of the so not happy parts of our backgrounds. It never did rain that night and I liked how Lauren put it at one point, God was telling us we needed to spend time together getting to know eachother. My prayer is that there is something in both of their stories and advice that I can learn from and for them from me as well.

Day 2: Haiti

So we wake up at 5:30am everyday, usually that seems very early to me and it's difficult to wake up. In Haiti though the sun starts to rise around 5am so by the time my alarm goes off it's already light and there are people moving around outside. So we got and dressed for our first days work. The typical routine was that about five people would make breakfast while the rest of us met for a quick meeting and then spent about 45 minutes in prayer; individually and in groups. After that we would eat and then everyone would joind for one more meeting where we were told where we would be working and what we'd be doing while there. Mainly that consisted of providing medical care and spending time with the people and children. The place we worked in that day is known as City de Soliel, most people won't go there because it's considered one of the most dangerous places in Port Au Prince. After the earthquake this is where most fugitives and lesser criminals fled to.

Once we got there immediately the kids started to gather around us wanting to play and talk to us. The majority of us spent most the day with them painting their faces and playing games with them. At first, they didn't understand what the face painting was so none of them wanted to do. Once we showed them and a couple decided to let us paint their faces all them wanted it! It was so funny, once they decided it wasn't bad they loved it and wanted us to paint their faces more than once!! It wasn't so much because of the paint though, they just wanted to the attention. They wanted us to pay attention to them and love them and care for them. Most the the kids lost one or both parents in the earthquake so affection wasn't something they knew too much of. They mostly just lived among the people there trying to survive however they could.

Around 12 the team that had been back at our camp preparing food for the people arrived with three giant cast iron pots of food. Once we got it all set up to serve we started plating and the people went crazy. They were all scrambling and pushing to get to the front so that they could get some of the food. We tried to make sure all the kids got food first, but it wasn't always easy. The hardest part was not having enough to feed everyone and having to tell people we were out of food. As soon as we were done serving the food we had to leave. The guys got the pots back to the truck and we all got into the van to head back to the camp.

The rest of the day was pretty relaxed, we got back and just spent time hanging out...until it rained at least. The rain always makes everyone scatter. This time, however, Lauren, Maiko, Egon and I stayed out in the rain. At first we tried to stay out of the actual rain but we didn't go into our tents...eventually we just decided to run around and play in the rain. It was so much fun! The best part was just getting to know these three people, goofing off and not caring about anything but having fun! It seems like I never get to be carefree like that anymore. It was nice to have that feeling again for a few hours, as well as form friendships with the three of them.