I can't think straight anymore. I'm being torn in so many different directions these days it seems and what's the first thing that comes on when I open my iTunes and click play? This:
"It seems it's always the crazy times
You find you wake up and realize
It takes more than your sailing eyes
to make things right"
~Crazy Times: Jars of Clay
Part of me wants to stay exactly where I am, part wants more than ANYTHING to go to Paraguay in September, part wants to move north to the mountains to get away from everything here. I feel like if I could just escape things here it would make everything easier, at least for a time.
I know I can do anything through Christ no matter where I am. I just feel like a change of scenery would be helpful. The biggest problem is I can't afford to live on my own here, how am I going to in another state? No one seems to want to give me a chance at a decent job that would actually allow me to take care of myself and it's getting so frustrating to keep hitting these walls. I've been praying for a while now that I find something new, something I enjoy. If I enjoy the job I don't need to make more money. I just want to like going to work every day.
I wish I could afford to go to school so that I could get through film school and have a good career field to go into. I just have no money for school.
Then there's the matter of church, I can't seem to find a place that I feel like I am welcome for long, there are still a few people at my church that still seem to like seeing me. I just can't handle the drama that has unfolded with a few of the people. I used to absolutely love getting up Sunday mornings and going to church, seeing my friends, worshiping and studying God's word. Now it seems like everyone that I enjoyed seeing there has run off to other states, other churches or have just been really busy with work since Haiti. I left and everything was great, when I got back things fell apart. I have also been feeling like I need to find a group of people my age again to get involved with. I don't have a problem with the age of most of my friends, but sometimes it's nice to have people my age that just want to goof off and be random.
My life certainly has gotten crazy and I need it to slow down before I go crazy from it.
28 June, 2010
22 June, 2010
Warmth
I feel Your love always surrounding me
Warming my face in the glow I see
Such a feeling I have never known
Truer love could never be shown
I could never find one more faithful
I want to stay in this place
Always feel Your warm embrace
I dream of the day
When I don't have to say
I need You close to me
As I grow I start to learn
Ever thing in life can burn
The only thing real and true
Is the love that comes from You
This is a love that can never die
11 June, 2010
My Big Mouth
I have a way of saying too much somethimes and messing things up. Friendships, relationships whatever. I want answers and sometimes I let that take over and I get carried away.
Do I regret it? Every time.
Does it stop me? Never.
I wish I could and would learn that maybe I don't always need to know the answers. That maybe sometimes just being okay with what and where things are is good enough. Thing is, I feel like if I don't get the answers it will be worse than if I did. When in reality getting the answers makes things worse. I almost ruined a 10yr friendship, lost a relationship and possibly just pushed away a new friend. I pray that I can be okay with what I have and that I stop pushing for answers when they aren't needed. I want to be okay with things as they are and not push people to say what they don't want to or aren't sure of.
07 June, 2010
Day 5: Haiti
Our day started early as usual. It is so amazing how easy it is to wake up when I'm here, at home I have to set multiple alarms before I get up.
So, after everyone got up, ate and got ready for the day we headed off to yet another village to set up. I offered to help the medical team since I had been there through most of the sorting process yesterday and knew which bags everything was in. Even though I might not know what everything was, it was still easier to have someone that helped organize and at least knew what the boxes and all looked like. It was a bit rough at first but then we got a system going to things went pretty well for a while.
Then a few hours in I started getting a migraine, so I moved to a corner and tried to cool down. Charlie gave me half of a perkaset(sp?) to try and get rid of it, but it didn't help. Sandy had a small hand-held fan that she let me use and gave me a wet paper towel to put on my neck. That did help a bit, mainly the wind from the fan. The pain wasn't easing though so Justin told me to use one of the hydration packs we had in the bags of meds(worse than drinking salt water.) Still didn't help.
So a group of people were going back to camp by that point and I left with them, hoping I could take a nap or something when I got back to camp. The perkaset was kind of making me tired but not nearly enough that I could fall asleep, plus the heat from it being the middle of the day didn't help too much. I just rested in my tent for a while trying to stay cool with the fan we had in there. Once I got up and went back out to everyone they were checking on me seeing if they could do anything. Then Maiko gave me a massage and got some ice to put on my neck and back, that was probably the best relief I got the whole day.
It was so humbling to be taken care so well by everyone. To see how much they care, even for someone they only knew for a few days at this point.
So, after everyone got up, ate and got ready for the day we headed off to yet another village to set up. I offered to help the medical team since I had been there through most of the sorting process yesterday and knew which bags everything was in. Even though I might not know what everything was, it was still easier to have someone that helped organize and at least knew what the boxes and all looked like. It was a bit rough at first but then we got a system going to things went pretty well for a while.
Then a few hours in I started getting a migraine, so I moved to a corner and tried to cool down. Charlie gave me half of a perkaset(sp?) to try and get rid of it, but it didn't help. Sandy had a small hand-held fan that she let me use and gave me a wet paper towel to put on my neck. That did help a bit, mainly the wind from the fan. The pain wasn't easing though so Justin told me to use one of the hydration packs we had in the bags of meds(worse than drinking salt water.) Still didn't help.
So a group of people were going back to camp by that point and I left with them, hoping I could take a nap or something when I got back to camp. The perkaset was kind of making me tired but not nearly enough that I could fall asleep, plus the heat from it being the middle of the day didn't help too much. I just rested in my tent for a while trying to stay cool with the fan we had in there. Once I got up and went back out to everyone they were checking on me seeing if they could do anything. Then Maiko gave me a massage and got some ice to put on my neck and back, that was probably the best relief I got the whole day.
It was so humbling to be taken care so well by everyone. To see how much they care, even for someone they only knew for a few days at this point.
06 June, 2010
Day 4: Haiti
Today was a bittersweet day, Lauren and Katie went back to the states this morning. I'm going to miss them both. Lauren and I became friends pretty quick and I wish she could have stayed the rest of the week. I won't have anyone to laugh with when everyone is speaking Spanish and I don't understand any of it now. I am very blessed to have met them and I pray that when they get home their lives will shine even brighter for You.
I'm excited to see what You have in store for those of us who are still here. These people are so amazing, there is no way I could have asked for a better group to work with here! I knew I would be blessed on this trip but I have no idea so much of that would come from the team I work with, just one more way You chose to show Your amazing love and grace, for that I am eternally grateful. Living and working with them even in just these few short days so far, I have sen more of the way we as Christians are supposed to love and care for one another and those around us. How a true Christian community is supposed to feel. That is something I will never forget and something I will always long for once my time here is over.
As far as the events of the day went, we spent most of the morning waiting and praying for a small team of people that went out to get medical supplies from the Dominican Republic. The day started out rough for them, it had rained the night before and the dirt roads were very muddy, they ended up getting stuck in a ditch for a while. Once they were able to get the truck back onto the road they headed to the border. While we waited at the camp for news a few of us spent some time washing clothes for us and some others in the camp that needed it. This was all done by hand of course and quite and experience. My arms were definitely sore afterwards.
Around noon we finally heard that the team was successful in getting the medical supplies we were needing and that they were on their way back. They returned with five bags of supplies, giant bags. We spent a few hours sorting and counting everything we had. Once it was mostly finished those of us who didn't have any medical knowledge to help anymore took a trip to a nearby village in the foothills of the mountains. We talked to the pastor of the village and took a tour of the area, as usual the children in the area gathered and started following us. Playing with us and just wanting to be with us. Most of them actually accompanied us back to the gates of the grounds we were staying on. It is always such a wonderful feeling to see the joy they have just to be around us, and also such a sad feeling to know we have to say goodbye.
I'm excited to see what You have in store for those of us who are still here. These people are so amazing, there is no way I could have asked for a better group to work with here! I knew I would be blessed on this trip but I have no idea so much of that would come from the team I work with, just one more way You chose to show Your amazing love and grace, for that I am eternally grateful. Living and working with them even in just these few short days so far, I have sen more of the way we as Christians are supposed to love and care for one another and those around us. How a true Christian community is supposed to feel. That is something I will never forget and something I will always long for once my time here is over.
As far as the events of the day went, we spent most of the morning waiting and praying for a small team of people that went out to get medical supplies from the Dominican Republic. The day started out rough for them, it had rained the night before and the dirt roads were very muddy, they ended up getting stuck in a ditch for a while. Once they were able to get the truck back onto the road they headed to the border. While we waited at the camp for news a few of us spent some time washing clothes for us and some others in the camp that needed it. This was all done by hand of course and quite and experience. My arms were definitely sore afterwards.
Around noon we finally heard that the team was successful in getting the medical supplies we were needing and that they were on their way back. They returned with five bags of supplies, giant bags. We spent a few hours sorting and counting everything we had. Once it was mostly finished those of us who didn't have any medical knowledge to help anymore took a trip to a nearby village in the foothills of the mountains. We talked to the pastor of the village and took a tour of the area, as usual the children in the area gathered and started following us. Playing with us and just wanting to be with us. Most of them actually accompanied us back to the gates of the grounds we were staying on. It is always such a wonderful feeling to see the joy they have just to be around us, and also such a sad feeling to know we have to say goodbye.
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