Christmas Season

It seems the older I get this time of year loses it's magical feeling more and more. I don't get the happy excitment I did when I was kid. I haven't cared so much about the gifts for a while now, but more about the chance to be with friends and family celebrating the single most important reason I'm alive and well today. Jesus Christ. I've tried to focus on the story more intensely the past couple of years, learn new things about it. Discover new truths from it. It just gets kind of difficult when it doesn't make you excited. Don't get me wrong, I love reading about the birth of the one man who saved us all, it's just not the same happiness I had as a kid. It's not the innocent, child-like, trust and love anymore; it's the kind that has to be worked at every single second of every single day. The kind that can actually get tiring because it takes more effort than I have some days.

Other times I'm kind of glad that I don't get that same feeling I did as a child. I mean at least that shows that I've grown, right? Christmas isn't about feeling all warm and ooey gooey. It's taking the time to think about someone other than yourself and reaching out to the ones who don't have as much. (Even though I think that should be something done year round, but that's another entry.) Or even just sharing with your family, getting to know them as people, not just family members. My mission this Christmas is to help a family in Africa have clean water for the next 20yrs through the Blood:Water Mission.

Everyone keeps asking me what I want for Christmas, I can't think of anything excpet getting money to accomplish this goal and getting a couple more of the Nooma videos. My heart is completely focused on this cause right now and I am doing my BEST to focus my mind on it as much as I can too. If there were any way to work with the organization at this point I'd do whatever it takes to reach that goal. If I can help even one family this Christmas I will be happy.

Indecsion

I never wanted more than what I was allowed to have. I never meant it to seem like I did. Things got out of hand, there were a few simple misunderstandings. I don't want to forget any of it because I've grown from every second of each experience. Mistakes happen, learn from them, grow from them and move on. That's what I'm trying to do. Why doesn't seem the same on your end?

Your Beautiful Song

I raise my arms in praise to You

Singing freely of Your love

I dance to Your beautiful song

Basking in Your warm embrace

All I can cling to as completely and utterly true is that You are with me and I never have to fear abandonment from You. It is this that has helped me keep my head just above the water lately. This and having the most amazing and encouraging friends You could ever give anyone! I don't even have the words to explain how greatful I am for who You are and the people You have given me to depend on. I love You and not even that seems enough of a return to You for all that You have done, are doing and will do for me. Though life gets chaotic I can always trust I'm not alone to suffer through things. There is always hope for me to make it through. I marvel at those I know who chose not to know You and wonder how anyone can honestly say they don't need the help.

I'm pretty sure my life is a cakewalk to some people and yet they still refuse You. I just wish they would see, after all the time they've known me and seen how much You have helped me through. It breaks my heart. The fact that I wasn't as vocal in the begining about You to them breaks my hearts more. I know those first couple of years were the most important to showing You to them, but I didn't know how so I didn't speak up as much as I wanted. If only they could understand the love You are, that is the key factor in their understanding, they would chose You because they wouldn't be able to resist. Once they know why You are they couldn't say they don't want it.

Joy

This weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to go to Universal Studios for Halloween Horror Nights with some friends. These friends are probably the best people I have met since graduating high school. Getting the chance to see them again this weekend was, so far, the best part of my year. It sucks that they had to graduate from FSU and move away. I'm already excited about next year when I get to take this trip with them again :D
The only down side is that it was only a two day vacation. I was not ready to be home yesterday at all. Lol. My week long trip in December is going to be SO welcomed by the time it gets here.

For now, I will continue doing my thing and making the most out of everything :)

Sleepless Night

So many things are going through my mind, it is like a swirl of thoughts, memories and emotions. Most of the time none of it makes any sense to me. It's been so long since I felt any kind of peace and it's starting to wear me down. There is a real physical ache in my chest and it hurts more when I'm alone at night, qiuet and still. I try to listen to God, but most of the time I just feel the pain. Pain that seems to grow every day; only not grow so much as change. There seems to be a different kind of pain, a different reason for the pain each day. I can't continue like this much longer.

I'm already starting to shutdown around people. I don't want everyone to see my pain so I hide it, pretty well, most of the time. My defenses seem strong on the outside while I slowly feel like I'm falling apart inside.

Rain Down

"...still I can't even see the one thing I need most is right in front of me now I'm cravin' a taste of that Living Water starvin' for somethin' that this world ain't got to offer I ought to know by now that face down at Your altar is the place that I need to start 'cause this bleeding heart can only be healed by the One that made it the One that gave His all to save it, your touch I crave it so seek through the cracks in my pavement 'cause I need You to rain down I can't go on without..."

So all I really have to say is this is so beyond true. I love when I go to a concert for a specific band and end up get the best message for my point in life from someone who is just starting to make his way. This song is by a guy Name B. Reith, the song is called Rain Down. He is so real and personal in his music and You can tell how much he love God by how he acts. He's just so happy and loves life!

Hope

Hope. Such a short word, yet it contains so much. The power this word carries is so far beyond anything our feeble human minds can comprehend. Without it we would not be able to love. Without it we would be lost, doomed to live a miserable existance. Because of it, we know we have a chance. We have the power to love and know we are loved. Christ gave us this when He died on the cross. He is the very reason any of us can hope for a better life. A life full of loving others and being loved by them and most importantly by Him.

Selfish Apologies

I try to speak, but the words won't come.I want to say it will all be okay. I want to tell you it will all work out in the end. I see the pain behind your eyes and I can't look at you, knowing that I could cause you pain for any reason crushes me. I turn my face down and stare at the ground, maybe if I don't look it won't be real. A tear rolls down my cheek and all I can do is tell you I'm sorry. I never meant for this to be so difficult. I'm terrified, of you and of losing you too.

Please believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you.

I look back up at your eyes and a wave of guilt washes over me. How could I be so selfish? You're standing in front of me hurting and not blaming me for one second of it. All you want is for me to understand. All I can do is torture myself for what I could never have controlled. The only thing I can think of to make any of this easier; pray that God will take care of it. Let Him have it all and go along for the crazy twisting ride He has in store for us through this experience.