Joy

This weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to go to Universal Studios for Halloween Horror Nights with some friends. These friends are probably the best people I have met since graduating high school. Getting the chance to see them again this weekend was, so far, the best part of my year. It sucks that they had to graduate from FSU and move away. I'm already excited about next year when I get to take this trip with them again :D
The only down side is that it was only a two day vacation. I was not ready to be home yesterday at all. Lol. My week long trip in December is going to be SO welcomed by the time it gets here.

For now, I will continue doing my thing and making the most out of everything :)

Sleepless Night

So many things are going through my mind, it is like a swirl of thoughts, memories and emotions. Most of the time none of it makes any sense to me. It's been so long since I felt any kind of peace and it's starting to wear me down. There is a real physical ache in my chest and it hurts more when I'm alone at night, qiuet and still. I try to listen to God, but most of the time I just feel the pain. Pain that seems to grow every day; only not grow so much as change. There seems to be a different kind of pain, a different reason for the pain each day. I can't continue like this much longer.

I'm already starting to shutdown around people. I don't want everyone to see my pain so I hide it, pretty well, most of the time. My defenses seem strong on the outside while I slowly feel like I'm falling apart inside.

Rain Down

"...still I can't even see the one thing I need most is right in front of me now I'm cravin' a taste of that Living Water starvin' for somethin' that this world ain't got to offer I ought to know by now that face down at Your altar is the place that I need to start 'cause this bleeding heart can only be healed by the One that made it the One that gave His all to save it, your touch I crave it so seek through the cracks in my pavement 'cause I need You to rain down I can't go on without..."

So all I really have to say is this is so beyond true. I love when I go to a concert for a specific band and end up get the best message for my point in life from someone who is just starting to make his way. This song is by a guy Name B. Reith, the song is called Rain Down. He is so real and personal in his music and You can tell how much he love God by how he acts. He's just so happy and loves life!

Hope

Hope. Such a short word, yet it contains so much. The power this word carries is so far beyond anything our feeble human minds can comprehend. Without it we would not be able to love. Without it we would be lost, doomed to live a miserable existance. Because of it, we know we have a chance. We have the power to love and know we are loved. Christ gave us this when He died on the cross. He is the very reason any of us can hope for a better life. A life full of loving others and being loved by them and most importantly by Him.

Selfish Apologies

I try to speak, but the words won't come.I want to say it will all be okay. I want to tell you it will all work out in the end. I see the pain behind your eyes and I can't look at you, knowing that I could cause you pain for any reason crushes me. I turn my face down and stare at the ground, maybe if I don't look it won't be real. A tear rolls down my cheek and all I can do is tell you I'm sorry. I never meant for this to be so difficult. I'm terrified, of you and of losing you too.

Please believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you.

I look back up at your eyes and a wave of guilt washes over me. How could I be so selfish? You're standing in front of me hurting and not blaming me for one second of it. All you want is for me to understand. All I can do is torture myself for what I could never have controlled. The only thing I can think of to make any of this easier; pray that God will take care of it. Let Him have it all and go along for the crazy twisting ride He has in store for us through this experience.