Hunger to Serve

Haven't had anything to write about in a while. Now it feels like my thoughts are starting to get cramped and overcrowded inside my own head. There have been a lot of things happen since I last updated here, best of which is the meeting of a certain boy. Now, I'm not going to turn this into your typical boy-crazed teenage blog(mainly because I'm not a boy-crazed teenage girl) but, I just want to say I can't image that I could be lucky enough to have someone like him in my life. Okay that's all.

So last week was the second Proyecto America trip since I learned about the organization. This time they went to Paraguay to minister to the people there. I would have loved to have been there, but I completely understand why God kept me in the states for this one. There are a few medical issues with multiple family members that all kinda piled up last week. I am proud of all that did take time to go over and serve and happy that things went well...from what I understand at least. Hopefully I will have an opportunity to serve on the next trip and be part of something bigger than myself again, I can't believe how much of my heart still desires to be out in the world serving the lost and broken people.

Nothing is Impossible

Think about your dreams, goals, aspirations. What did you want to be as a child? A fireman, a doctor, a princess? Now think about why those dream may not have come true as you've grown up. Is it because you decided to be something different? Is it because you were told couldn't become what you dreamed? Why do we change our childhood dreams as we grow? Sometimes it's because we just decide to be something different; other times we are told that what we want isn't possible, but who's to tell us what we can or can't be.

The only person to ever have a say in what we are to become should be God. He is the master of the universe and knows exactly who we are supposed to be. Any time someone tells you you can't be something, why should we listen unless we know they are speaking from God. Everything he designed(which is absolutely everything btw) has a specific plan and purpose. If we are listening to him and follow where he wants us to go then we can be anything and do anything. Nothing is impossible through Him.

I take a step back and look at my life.

To try and see if there is a defined line.

Some point in time where I can see exactly when things changed

It feels like looking back on the life of a stranger

I don't seem to recognize my own past

The faith I have in You makes my heart sing

The doubt I have in me makes me wonder how I've made it

Lord I need You to carry me every step

I want to keep being reminded, in whatever way nesseccary, that You are there to help me and You do carry me through the difficulties in life.

"trust in the Lord with all hear; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do and He will direct your paths." - Prov 3:5-6

Sunlight

Sitting under the warm rays of light, feeling them heat my skin, I start to wonder how things were in times long ago. A time when life was much simpler and people didn't get bogged down or swept away in the busy everyday dealings of life. As I relax I fade into a time that seems like it never existed and bask in the glory of how everything in life is calm, even when there are more things to do in a day than hours to do them in.

I close my eyes and pictures start to fill my mind, women are walking down the street in magnificent dresses and hats, men are standing around talking business and looking very serious, though they aren't at all. Of course, the women know this and enjoy a joke or two among themselves about it. There are horses and buggies all around the town, some loaded for long trips others being unloaded. The items either being sold or taken into hotels for their owners. The locals here have always been open to visitors, welcoming them in as though they were members of the town all along. It's the exact kind of place you would want yourself to get lost in if ever that happened to you.

One of the buggies being unloaded was for a couple that had decided to move to town. It was one of those decisions that aren't planned, they just happen. So they packed up and moved, without having any place of their own to live before they got there. Untill they could find a place they would be staying in the towns hotel.

Cancer

Over the past couple months my Papa(mom's dad) has been diagnosed with liver cancer, had surgery to remove the tumor, put through multiple tests and diagnosed with lung cancer.

He does not drink or smoke, so these are not catalysts for his cancer, they don't have answers to why he has cancer and is still being subjected to more testing. Just last week he had yet another CT scan to check for more spots on his lungs(there are two, that I know of) currently.

I don't know who reads this, but I ask that any of you that do, please pray for him and the rest of my family.

Hebrews 11

Hebrews 11:
1-2: "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. God gave His approval to people in days of old because of their faith."

There was a bible study DVD series I went through at a time call Truth Project, it asked the very same question as the beginning of verse one. Faith is not something we always think about. It's as everyday as the sunrise or routine as a working car. Things like these we never wonder if they will be there the next time it's expected. We won't ever wonder if a car is going to crank when we turn the key if we have kept it maintained properly.
The same idea holds true for our faith in God. With proper, daily maintenance through prayer and reading the bible our faith in God will become just as basic to our lives as the working car, or the sunrise. It's just something we will have and automatically rely on when we need help.
By having faith in God we are trusting Him to provide for us everything we will need. Even when we can't see His provision.

So we went over the first six verses of this chapter last night in the bible study and it was so intriguing to read and hear what everyone there had to say. This was just a little of what i got from the verses and from what everyone said.

Torn

I can't think straight anymore. I'm being torn in so many different directions these days it seems and what's the first thing that comes on when I open my iTunes and click play? This:

"It seems it's always the crazy times
You find you wake up and realize
It takes more than your sailing eyes
to make things right"
~Crazy Times: Jars of Clay

Part of me wants to stay exactly where I am, part wants more than ANYTHING to go to Paraguay in September, part wants to move north to the mountains to get away from everything here. I feel like if I could just escape things here it would make everything easier, at least for a time.

I know I can do anything through Christ no matter where I am. I just feel like a change of scenery would be helpful. The biggest problem is I can't afford to live on my own here, how am I going to in another state? No one seems to want to give me a chance at a decent job that would actually allow me to take care of myself and it's getting so frustrating to keep hitting these walls. I've been praying for a while now that I find something new, something I enjoy. If I enjoy the job I don't need to make more money. I just want to like going to work every day.

I wish I could afford to go to school so that I could get through film school and have a good career field to go into. I just have no money for school.

Then there's the matter of church, I can't seem to find a place that I feel like I am welcome for long, there are still a few people at my church that still seem to like seeing me. I just can't handle the drama that has unfolded with a few of the people. I used to absolutely love getting up Sunday mornings and going to church, seeing my friends, worshiping and studying God's word. Now it seems like everyone that I enjoyed seeing there has run off to other states, other churches or have just been really busy with work since Haiti. I left and everything was great, when I got back things fell apart. I have also been feeling like I need to find a group of people my age again to get involved with. I don't have a problem with the age of most of my friends, but sometimes it's nice to have people my age that just want to goof off and be random.

My life certainly has gotten crazy and I need it to slow down before I go crazy from it.